On my own....

So....I tried to get sober a couple times...and each time, at about four months or so, I would twist off, as they say, and start drinking again. The last time, I was working at the convention and visitors bureau, at the Chamber of Commerce, and I was attending a political caucus. It was in February 2001. I remember clearly that I was in another world in my head, not the one I was supposed to be in, because there was free booze everywhere!! There was wine on the tables, there were bars where you could get a couple free drinks with your attendance....and I was struggling NOT to drink....but I failed. I figured, why not...it's free. So I got a glass of wine. I was discreet, and didn't over do it, but that opened the doors for me again. I screwed up so why not keep going? I thought. Now I'm back to drinking, and I was feeling ok again. That relapse lasted until August, when I got sober for the last time.

During that time, I was still living with Jeff, but I was not happy. I was going to meetings, talking with my sponsor, trying to figure out HOW to stay sober!! When they would say "Don't drink and go to meetings", I could get the go to meeting part, but not the don't drink part!! I was arguing with Jeff, and just really all over the place. When I finally did hit bottom, in August, I was really ready to leave and Jeff and I were not getting along very well. I know I was trying to make it work, I really was...but I just wasn't happy...and I thought maybe that had something to do with my drinking and not being able to stop. After I got sober, I went to a meeting every day, sometimes twice a day, and worked on my sobriety with everything I had. The home life just wasn't good...between Jeff and Chelsea...it was hard to make my recovery work. I know....outside influences shouldn't make a difference, but they seemed to at the time. And since I had made a commitment to my recovery, I wanted to do whatever it took to stay sober!!

I had enough sense in my brain to think about leaving...and Chelsea and I were looking at a couple houses to buy. I was talking with a real estate woman and having her help me find a house I could comfortably afford. I know Jeff knew it...he could tell I wasn't happy. We talked about it, and he said that he really wanted me to be happy...and if leaving was going to do it, then I needed to leave. I was thinking that I needed to leave in order to stay sober. But I didn't want that to be a cop out and so I talked it over with my sponsor. Usually geographic changes are not a good idea to stay sober, but we both felt that this was probably a good idea.

I got sober in August 2001. It took me until December of that year to get things together to buy my house and leave. I had help from my dad with the down payment, found a house that I could buy on contract for deed, and then moved. During that time I still went to meetings, I still worked my program, I still talked to my sponsor, but I felt my recovery was shaky.

But it felt right to move into that home, away from my husband. It felt good. And, even though I wanted to be away from Jeff, it was a really hard thing to do for me. I was leaving a somewhat secure home, a somewhat secure life - well, I don't know about that, but I was leaving familiarity and routine. There, I said it. Change is hard!! But Chelsea and I took what we wanted out of the trashy trailer that we were living in with Jeff and moved into this house on D street. It was nice....it was clean, neat, good, cozy, and it was mine!! I was embarking on a new life...a new chapter in my life, so to speak.

But, there really was a lot going on!! I was leaving my home, leaving my husband, getting and staying sober, going through menopause, and buying a home. Chelsea was 17 at the time, and she had just lost her dad about a year before that....so I was having a little trouble with my depression and my moods. The doctor had me on an antidepressant at the time, and sometimes it would work and sometimes it wouldn't. I hated the depression, and there were times that it was debilitating...it made me not even want to move. I still had to go to work every day...still had to show up to meetings, and still had to put one foot in front of the other. It was hard. But I kept on...and plodded on...and tried to do the next right thing.

If it hadn't been for my daughter, and my sponsor, and my family....I don't know that I would have been ok...but I knew there were people who loved me and that's what kept me going.