A new life...finally

I guess it wasn't long after Sept. 11 that I made the decision to move out of my house that I shared with my second husband. I had been thinking about it for a while...obviously...and had talked about it with my sponsor. I had only been sober since August 17 of that year, and I was still being watchful and careful of anything extreme that would disrupt that fragile state of mind that I had. Usually, when getting sober, we are told not to make any large decisions about our lives - divorce, moving, job...anything of that nature. But, my sponsor and I agreed that it would be best for me to do this. That this was the only way I was going to stay sober, and I had to do it. I really felt it was right. Do you ever get that feeling inside you...that something is just right? It felt that way. And I was just learning to trust that feeling inside me....that gut feeling that tells you that something is the very thing you are supposed to do!

I was going to meetings every day, like I knew that I needed to. I had made a commitment to my recovery this time. I was going to do anything it took to stay sober, even if it meant leaving my husband who drove me crazy, even if it meant going to a meeting every day....several times a day, if necessary!! This was a town that I had lived in for many years, and I knew what I needed to do...where I needed to go, and where NOT to go! I went about my daily life, went to work, and took care of my daughter.

She and I were looking at houses to possibly buy and move into. We were in contact with a realtor and I had told her my price range...the one we looked at were ok...and some were not. Chelsea and I had a good time looking though, and I think it helped to bring us closer together! Even though my dad was going to help me out with a down payment, my credit was bad, and I wasn't sure how I was going to swing the loan. But we came across a house that that owner would sell on contract for deed. It didn't take long, in realty terms, to make an offer and get it accepted. Chelsea and I moved into the house in December of 2001. It was a tough move, in many ways. I didn't like leaving what was familiar, even though it was not my favorite place to be. I was leaving my husband, which was hard as well. And I was embarking on a new life...

At the same time as I was leaving my husband, buying a new home, getting and trying to stay sober, I was also going through menopause...and I was kind of a mess, mentally! My doctor put me on an antidepressant, which I really needed at the time. It worked, and I felt pretty good. But each day was a struggle for me, just putting one foot in front of the other, being nice to people and nice to myself, and still trying to work and pay bills and do all the daily stuff that was expected of me. I experienced at that time a deep, dark depression that I will not soon forget. It felt miserable. I could see myself getting deeper and deeper into it and not being about to do anything about it. I didn't care about anything, and nothing, really, made me happy. Now, I had enough 'responsibility' ingrained in me that I put on a happy face most of the time...when it was possible. But inside, I had that depression that nothing seemed to be able to cure. It is horrible!!

I did things that made me happy, though. I found things that I loved...like bubble baths, nice conversations, sparkling water....and I was determined to make things good with my daughter. She was still in her adolescent stage, but was growing up fast. She was also glad to get out of the house that I shared with my second husband and get into our own place. She is an organizer, so she was in her element!! She loved being the mom to me as we were organizing the new place!! I had lots of dreams and visions for my new home, but it was good to just get into my own place!! I was finally on my own!!

In my head I visualized people coming over and having coffee in my kitchen, at my table, feeling good and comfortable and AT HOME in my new place. I could see a garden and potted plants hanging on the porch. I could see lilac bushes in the side yard and fruit trees growing. Mostly, I pictured serenity, peace, tranquility....and that was my goal for my life.