On my own, continued....

So...not only did I get sober, I left my husband of six years, a move that was both good and bad. It was good, because I felt like it was something that would keep me sober. I was not happy with him, with our life, and with the way things were going. Every time I got drunk, the meanness would come out in me and I would rail at him, yell at him, start an argument, and just generally make an ass of myself. At home. In the privacy of my own home. And each time I did that I would berate myself and hate myself, and swear it wouldn't happen again. That I would drink but not get stupid. But that didn't happen, mainly because it just couldn't. I was an alcoholic and when an alcoholic drinks, the same thing happens over and over again! I had to realize that. I couldn't drink like a normal person. On August 17, 2001, that's what happened. I had had too much to drink - AGAIN - and I found myself in my car, at 2 a.m., with my cell phone in my hand, and only my underpants on. I have NO idea how I got there, what I was doing there, or who I was calling. But I looked at myself in the car's rear view mirror and was totally humiliated by what I had done and how far I had come..and how I had gotten to that point! This was after a 6 month relapse, and I already knew about the AA program. I knew how to stop, I knew what God could do for me, what my sponsor could do for me. But I had to go out and do some more 'research'. And so I found that YES I am an alcoholic. No question about it. I am. And so now...what I had to do...at that point, was to pick myself up and get back on track with sobriety.

I was a hard thing to do. And now - almost 9 years later - I am convinced that each time you relapse, it is harder to get back to the program. When I got sober that summer day in 2001, I made a commitment to my recovery. I was going to "go to any lengths" to stay sober, as it said in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did. I went to a meeting every day for many months. I talked to my sponsor every day. I talked to other alcoholics. I stayed aware of each moment that I walked through the day, and made sure that I had a plan for any circumstance where drinking might be going on. I HAD to!! I had to stay sober this time. I had gotten my daughter back, but I wanted to keep her and I really wanted to stay sober!! I hated myself when I drank. I hated the way my life was going. I hated that I acted so stupidly.

I couldn't blame Jeff. I couldn't blame anyone else for my drinking. and I knew that. But I also knew that in my own head, I was rebelling against the way my life was at the time. And my marriage to Jeff, and my life with him, and my life in that trailer, was NOT what I wanted nor what I felt I deserved. I wanted a better life for me and for my daughter, that involved a nicer home, a bigger home, and peace and contentment each day. Sure, I knew I would have some troubles, but I didn't want to feel like turning to booze every time I had troubles!! I wanted to smile each day, and be able to take a deep breath and know that all was going to be ok. And I wanted to be able to talk to my higher power every day and know that I was being heard...that I had a clear conscience when I did talk to him.

It was so good to get into my own home with my daughter and not worry about drinking...or having to do housework when I got home, or worry about what HE was going to do. It was just me and her, and that was all I needed to be concerned about. I continued to go to meetings, and work my steps and talk to my sponsor and talk to God. Things were going fine....and I finally had some peace.