Still in the present...

Ok, it's still January 2010...and I'm still needing to talk about my daughter...

She's in good hands. I know that.

After her surgery, and subsequent recuperation in Ark City, her sisters loaded her up and took her back to KC with them, with her dogs. I know she really appreciated everything they did for her, and I did too!! I still do!! I talked with her by phone about every day, and she would let me know how things were progressing with her. She didn't seem to be healing as fast as I thought she should, but then I am not there, and I wasn't sure. At one point she even started crying on the phone when I was talking to her, because she was frustrated at not being able to get around like she wanted to, and upset the she hurt no matter what she did! I felt so badly for her, and wanted to hug her....it made me feel bad. But I also knew that healing takes time.

This is Saturday...I am not sure what day it was but one day - maybe Tuesday or Wednesday - the sister that she was staying with got in a fight with her husband, and later that day decided to leave the house, supposedly to go smoke crack. That's what Chelsea said. (She's an addict - we already knew that, but I thought she had been clean for a while.) Anyway, Chelsea called me telling me that she was pissed, that her sister had taken Chelsea's dogs with her and had been gone for about 5 hours!! It was a drama-filled day, needless to say. The sister's son was having a birthday that next day, and Chelsea was just really worried about how this was going to affect everyone. All I could do, on the phone, was commiserate with her, listen to her, and then tell her to wait. Which she already knew to do.

The next day she called and said that Stella had finally come home, with Chelsea's dogs, after about 7 hours of being gone. Yes, Chelsea thinks she had been smoking crack, but the sister came up with an excuse as to why she had been gone for so long. She had run into a friend, they had gone to a bar to get a couple drinks, blah, blah, blah. Chelsea knew it was a lie, but all she was concerned about was her dogs. Then, when I talked with her later that day, she said that Stella had gone to jail....for trying to steal someone's purse, and driving on a suspended license. Well, that was that. I told Chelsea there was definitely nothing she could do now!! Stella's husband was a big boy, and the kids were just going to have to deal with the consequences. She loaded up her stuff and went to stay with her other sister, Staci. That was fine, except Stacie's husband is just not too fine with having dogs in the house. But I also knew it was the best place for her....

Then... that night, she called and said that she was in the emergency room at the hospital there. Staci said she thought her belly was swollen and red, and it shouldn't be that way...They admitted her, and I fretted all night long about how she was going to be, and whether or not she would be ok. I found out the next day that she still had fluid inside her, in pockets around her bladder and uterus...and they didn't know if they were infected or not....That was a couple days ago, and she'll be there until her fever goes down, she said.

It's all been kind of a blur. I have tried to deal with it, and take it in stride. I have talked with Staci and Chelsea, and listened and learned what I can. I am still very, very appreciative and thankful for her sister, Staci, but I still feel guilty. It's hard being this far away. I know she wants me there, but with all the snow we've had, I really doubt that I could go out there, even if I had the money to travel. My best friend, Netta, lives a few hours away, and she went up to stay with Chelsea last night, and I was really happy about that. Yesterday was when they took out her staples, and did a sonagram on her belly to see what was in there. Chelsea sounded pretty good yesterday, but she gets really upset about things and I know that's not good either. They were giving her Dilaudid and Atavan to calm her down...and so she was dopey. She was also irritable.

I'm feeling lonely, sad, depressed....and kind of out of it, actually. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I'm not sure if it's because of all this, or something else. I stay to myself, and don't really want to talk to anyone. Again, I don't know if it's because of what's going on with Chelsea, or just because I'm isolating. I should call my sponsor and talk with her..... I feel out of place, out of sorts, lost...homesick...I'm not sure. Where I was feeling so grateful and blessed a week or so ago, I'm feeling dejected and out of sorts today. I take walks to get out in the fresh air, but I still feel lost when I get home.


........
I talked to my friend, Netta, who is still there this Saturday evening. She filled me in on what has been going on with Chelsea. She was there all night last night, and she said that Chelsea was up and down, that the machine was beeping a lot, and that she is very restless, irritable, and talks constantly about going home, being with her dogs, seeing her old man, and just hating to be in the hospital. she also told me that the doctor came in and took a culture of Chelsea's 'leakage' from her incision, and then intimated that it might be staph. THAT made me cry....and all I can do is hope for the best. To stay positive and know that it's all in God's hands.

Then I tried calling Chelsea's phone again, and there was no answer. What do I do? Do I try to figure out how to make the trip and go there? All I can do is hold her hand, be there for her, give her moral support. That's essentially what her sister and my friend, Netta, are doing. They can't make her relax, they can't make her calm down. I called my sponsor and cried on her shoulder for a while. She said the same thing - all you can do is offer moral support. Even if I was able to go there, that's all I could do. But I go back and forth between feeling guilty and feeling ok...between feeling like I should be there , and feeling like it's ok if I'm not..that she's in good hands.

Chelsea finally called me back. I asked her how she was doing, and she said the same old thing. "i'm in the hospital and the same thing is going on...." I said that she didn't need to get irritable with me, and she said fine that she would just go. And hung up. I tried calling her back and left a message. No answer. I guess I really can't say much to her at this point. She is really upset and irritable and nothing I say is going to make a difference. It makes me cry...it makes my cry...I don't know what to do!!

I guess I will wait and find out what the doctor says tomorrow about the culture and go from there. Mean while...I can pray...i can get my head right, my heart right, and know know know that God is in control. He is taking care of all of this and all I can do is trust trust trust.....