Feeling stronger..

Deep breath....

For some reason, I'm feeling stronger today...stronger than I have in a long time. I'm ready to do some writing...I'm ready to talk/write/think about Jack's death and what it meant to me and to my/his daughter.

It rocked my world!! Even though we had been divorced for about 6 years, and I was even remarried, it shook me up like I never thought it would!! I got the call that he had passed when I was in a meeting at a motel in town. I was working as the convention and visitors bureau coordinator, and was talking with the owners of the motel at the time. I got the call from the nurse at the clinic where he'd been, I think...that he'd passed away. My first thought was - No, you're mistaken!! It can't be!! He's fine!! - Isn't that the thought that most people have when they're told of someone's death? I don't know. But it was my reaction. But then, it sunk in, and my next thought was for my daughter...I knew she was at home, and I didn't know if she'd been told yet. I made my excuses, hurried home, and she was sitting in the doorway of the house we lived in...crying...with the phone in her hand. Apparently her sister, Staci, had called and told her. She was almost inconsolable....and all I could do was hug her.

That day and the days that followed are kind of a blur to me. I don't remember a lot about them...just that we went to southeast Kansas, the town where he'd lived, to be with his other kids. His wishes were to be cremated, but somehow the funeral home was going to allow the family to see him before they sent him away. So he was on a table, with just a blanket over him up to his chest. There was lots of crying..especially from his half-sisters and step mom. His son, Derek, could hardly contain himself, he was so broken up. There were friends there, ones that I hadn't seen for a while, and some that I had.

I don't know what the rest of them did. I do know that Chelsea spent some time in there with him, with her sister, and I think with me...but I'm no sure. When it was finally my turn to go in and 'see' him, I really relished that little bit of time with him. I slowly walked to him, and put my hands on him.....I told him that I loved him, and that I would miss him, and that I was thankful for the good times that we had together....and that I hoped he was in a better place... We had talked about that a lot....about going to heaven, about being whole and healthy again when you die. So, I knew that he could hear me, and that he was happy. THAT made ME feel better, and maybe that's what that's all about. But the important thing is, I was able to say my last goodbyes to his body....but I still, to this day, feel that he can hear me.

I sat in on the meeting of my stepkids and the funeral director. I didn't have much say so in what was being done, but I felt I could be there to advise or console. Their mother was there, too, and I didn't have a problem with that, either. By that time, she and I were friends, because we knew there was nothing to keep us from being that!!

Chelsea and I came back home for a day or two, because they decided to have the memorial service later that week, and we couldn't stay until then, and I had to get back to work. But we went back for the service....and it was nice. The kids had made a collage of all his pictures - a big one of him in his favorite shirt and shorts, and then smaller ones of them, and me, and Chelsea, growing up in different stages of life. It was a wonderful tribute to him. The service was not long, and his friend, Stan, spoke. Stan had been a friend to him during our marriage and after as well. I know he talked to Stan about our relationship, my leaving and all that stuff. And I have a feeling Stan was not very happy with me...but he never said anything to me. My name was mentioned in the eulogy that Stan gave...the "Jeanne was the love of Jack's life.." That made me feel good...and I am glad that other people heard that...I'm not sure why. I just wanted (needed) that validation. Jack was the love of MY life too....I just couldn't be married to him anymore. And since nobody asked me, I never did say that...I feel like Jack knew that...in his heart.

I don't want to dwell on this...but there was a time after the service that his older sister, Susan, absolutely snubbed me...I went to try and hug her, and she just put her hands up like "Don't touch me!" She was the one who wailed during the whole service, too...and others heard it as well. That's fine....she wasn't around much when he was alive, and I felt that she had no cause to be so grief-stricken when he died. I don't lose any sleep over the snubbing - she was NOT one of my favorite people anyway.

It's been hard for Chelsea, over the last 10 years since he's been gone. And I understand that....and I have been as supportive and understanding as I can be. She doesn't like to talk about him....but once in awhile she will say something about him...like what she remembers him doing, or what he said...or what he was like. And it's become more and more frequent....like she is finally able to talk about him without crying. I have come to terms - somewhat - with his death, as I hope his other kids have too. I have the guilt to deal with as well...the guilt that I carried around for so long. I felt guilty about divorcing him, especially after he died. I dont' feel that way anymore....in fact, I feel good about him watching me and knowing what I am doing. I talk to him from time to time, and know that he is in a good place.