How I got sober...

After Jack's death, I went back to Ark City, my daughter and me, to continue life. She stayed in close touch with her sisters and brother, and I continued with my drinking and living with my second husband. But I don't think, at that point, that I felt it was going to last much longer.

I had tried, unsuccessfully, to quit drinking. I knew that I had a problem. I would drink wine, yell at my husband, get stupid, get angry, and then realize that it was probably the alcohol doing that to me. I knew that I had a problem. I knew that I needed to get help.

I read self-help books. I got on line to an AA meeting. I tried everything....just drink so many drinks, just drink after a certain time, blah, blah, blah. I tried to quit on my own. I did everything except go to an actual AA meeting. I had this idea that it was a smoke-filled room full of old men, smoking cigarettes and cigars, drinking coffee, and laughing about 'guy stuff'...I don't know. I had NO idea, really. I drove by the address of the meeting, called them on the phone several times, but never got up the nerve to go.

But finally I did....one Sunday, I think it was. After a Saturday night of drinking...at home...alone. That was the way I usually did it. I would just drink and get mad and scream or argue, and then pass out. And Jeff would be always forgiving of me...he'd say, "I don't care if you drink, just don't start your shit!" And that would make sense, and it would give me permission to go ahead and drink more. Hey, if my spouse didn't mind, why should I? So, on I went. And he would forgive me for yelling at him, whatever I dished out.

The meeting I went to was the place there where the 'card-signers' went, the ones who had been court-ordered to go to meetings. But I didn't know that at the time. It was just a place where I was able to meet other alcoholics. I remember the first meeting...and that I just sat there and listened. They were all men, if I remember right, and they were all either sober or trying to get and stay that way.

So over the course of a few months, I stayed sober....with the help of the meetings. But I didn't get a sponsor. All I did was read the Big Book and go to meetings. And that was good. I stayed sober for two 4 month stretches, with lots of ups and downs in between. During that time, I somehow, not remembering how, started attending meetings at the local NA house. The Narcotics Anonymous group were really into recovery from addiction, and there was much more female recovery in that group too. So there was where I got a sponsor, started working the steps, and really got into staying sober. Even when I twisted off the second time, I still continued going to meetings and talking to my sponsor. I knew...I just KNEW that was where I belonged and that was who I needed to be talking to...and it was my life line.

My final night of drinking...my BOTTOM, as they call it...was August 16, 2001, when I found myself out in my car, in the wee hours of the morning, with only my underpants on, and talking on my cell phone. I have no idea how I got there, I have no idea who I was talking to. But I was totally humiliated...at myself...for being and doing and looking the way I did. ...I couldn't do it anymore, and I suddenly saw who I really was...a drunk. And that was the last time I drank. I made a new commitment to my recovery the next day...and have been sober since.

It's been a long hard 8 years..but it's been good, and it's been progressive, and full of gratitude. I am soooo glad, every day, that I chose sobriety. And it's always good to talk to others who are going through the same thing....my sponsor, friends, other alcoholics. I can find a meeting anywhere I go...and I feel like I'm coming home.

It was not easy to tell my family, and it's still hard to tell other people, but it gets easier all the time. I am still committed to my recovery, and it is the first thing that I think about most days.