It started out slowly....
I guess my drinking started out when I was feeling overwhelmed by Jack, his kids, my daughter, my job, the bills, no money, the creditors...blah, blah, blah...and all of that spread out over so many years. I was unhappy with my situation and with my husband being gone. And when I drank, it made me comfortably numb. Oh, what a feeling!!
At first, I would stop by the liquor store on the way home. I had a 12 mile drive to the house every day, and when I would come home from picking Chelsea up from school, I would stop and get a six-pack of beer, or a bottle of wine. Who knew? Chelsea was too little to know, or care....Jack was gone all the time, and his kids....well, none of them were living with us at that particular point in time. So I would bring it home, stick it in the back of the refrigerator, and enjoy it after I put Chelsea to bed. If I knew Jack was going to be home, I would just not have any, or hide it somewhere else. (Is that the first sign of an alcoholic? Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself...)
It really was nice. It was such a great way to escape. It tasted good, too, and I really didn't think it was a bad thing. I had drank before...in my college years...and in the early years of our marriage. But going to church for those 4 or 5 years had turned me into a tee-totaler, and the idea of drinking anything was BAD...bad, bad. bad!! At least, that's what the church made me feel....wanted me to feel...and I had talked myself into it. Hence, the hiding...the secretive way I went about it.
It wasn't long after that that another man showed some interest in me...a man whom Jack and I both knew and who was also married. Now THAT felt good, too!! Again, the church, obviously, frowned on extra-marital anything, let alone affairs, emotional or otherwise. I let it happen, though. I went with it...I ate it up. It was just a matter of a touch here, and longing look there...but it made me feel so darn special!! Something I apparently hadn't felt for a long time....This attention led to another man's attention...and off I went...I was unfaithful to my husband for the first time in 16 years...Did I feel bad about it? Yes...and no. It made me lose what little respect I had left for him...but I'm not sure I knew that at the time...That's twisted, though...MY infidelity made me lose respect for HIM...how does that work? But I did...
My drinking was still confined to what I could manage in the evenings....I wasn't drinking every day, nor did I want to, at that point. I was working in the deli section of a grocery store in town, and one of the girls there was a good friend of mine. She and I seemed to be going through the same thing, emotionally...and maritally. She was not certain she wanted to be married to her husband anymore. And I was not feeling good about what was going on in my marriage either. We were able to commiserate with each other, and spent some good times together. Even though she was 12 years younger than I was, I think we seemed to click on some level…at least at that point in our lives. I think, looking back, that I was very selfish in some ways, but in others, I think I was finally sticking up for myself, and learning how to look out for me, and not him all the time.
I really did try to be a good wife, off and on. I had my daughter to think about, and after all, he and I were a couple! We had history!! Plus, I didn’t really want to be a statistic…another divorce.
But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that splitting with Jack at that time, when Chelsea was young, would be better than waiting till when she was, say...16. Wouldn't it? Again, my mind might have been playing games with me, but that's the reasoning I used. So I left. And the catalyst was one night when I went out with the friend that I worked with, and didn't get home until 2 a.m. Ok...my excuse was we had gone to Wichita, and it takes an hour to drive each way. We had a good time going to a couple of clubs, having a few drinks, laughing, and talking about men. It was a good get away for both of us. I really (really!) hadn't been unfaithful that night...nor had I intended to be. But my husband thought it was wrong. Left over church jargon? Maybe....He said "No married woman should be out that late! I want you out of this house by morning!"
So I left...
I don't think he meant it at the time...but it was the opening I needed and was waiting for...
Despite the fact that I was leaving a comfortable home, a semi-secure, long-standing and comfortable marriage, I stayed gone. It was the single most difficult thing I've ever had to do, I think. Why? Because my daughter did not go with me....and that's not how I had visualized it. She stayed with Jack, I thought, until I could have her live with me in whatever living arrangements I could find. But...after it was all said and done...she decided that she wanted to stay with her dad. That broke my heart...in a million pieces. No man, no bottle, nothing could soothe my heart....
But I was going to get through it. I had to...and so I continued to drink. Through the separation, through the moving out, through the discussions, through the jobs....through it all. And it continued to get worse, because I relied on it more and more to make me comfortably numb through my pain.
That first night I stayed with friends. Not the same one I had gone out with, but a different one. It’s all a big fuzzy, but I must have stayed there until I found the little apartment that I lived in for a while. It was a very small place, in town, and I made it into a home for me, and for my daughter. It only had four rooms – a living room, a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. And it was upstairs, mostly furnished. I moved what little bit I had into it, and continued with my job and kept my chin up the best I could.
I was really hurting inside…I drank a lot of beer, all different kinds, but when that didn't work anymore, I went to wine. I liked wine...my parents drank wine. Wasn't that ok?? I didn't drink much of the hard stuff..I knew it would kill me...
It didn't take long for me to meet my next boyfriend/husband....
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They say most sin happens after 10:00 o'clock at night.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see an interspersed description or two of the other characters in play with the diatribe. Is that possible or are you scared of recognizing a party that you really don't have permission to describe to closely. Or is now not the right time to ask.
I feel like I might let you down, if I don't support you now. I've turned my back on many along the way and learned harsh lessons that I will never forget. Never want to repeat either.
Two suggestions, the first what your doing is good for you and it's good reading, the second I'm reading what Deonne has read Winesburg, Ohio. It's old stuff, the stuff I'm used to. Also, read a story in the New York Times today by Torin Boyd, I believe it is called Atop Towering Cliffs. See if you can google it. In Winesburg, its all about the grotesques in a small town, I wonder if some of the color in your story could contain, what kept you sain, which were those around experiencing the same or somewhat less than yourself, by way of say, what was the girl suffering the same marital woes, was she the same or was she different, how was she different from yourself, take me outside of the story and inside the surroundings. Tell me about the smell of a meat packing plant, or the contents of a deli, without losing me, place me in the story with a sensory detail. Just one detail at a time. Don't sprinkle it too much, just a slight salting, enough to make my Icy heart melt.
Please don't jump off a cliff or find a vacuum cord before the memoirs done or after its done.
Sincerely,
your friend from Life on the Surface.
Tusk,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice. I have changed the post in a few places....I was probably in a hurry to get through this particular portion of my life...and I'm sure it won't be the only one!!
You're right...it's good for me. And I'm really glad you enjoy reading it. You haven't let me down..in any way. I'm not sure why you think that. I look forward to your comments on my posts....and seem to wait for them until I proceed to the next post. I shouldn't do that...I have a lot to say. And this will evolve and change as I go along. I'm saving it in another document so I can keep it and make changes as I need to.
I have tried to describe the other people in the blogs...but yes, I hesitate to say names, or really describe them in detail. Is it very important to the story??
Like I said, I like your feedback, and listen to what you say.
Jeanne
Thanks for the reply. In response to your question 'Is it very important to the story?', that would be in reference to describing the other characters of the storyline in detail.
ReplyDeleteI know a lot about you from what you've written about you, but nothing about you, about what you've written about others. I'm not asking you to judge them, but describe who they are.
I think you were frustrated not knowing who I was, and you wanted to read my blog, to understand more about me, I responded so you would continue writing.
When I read a story I want to relate in someway to all the characters that influence the story line. Whether I like them or not or relate to them in some way or not, they influenced direction in the story, but if I only know the main character, then I'm frustrated when I can't visit his or her blog to find out the back story on how they influenced you.
The priestly visit is case in point, I was able to visit his blogs and respond to whom he was claiming to be. Validate the sub characters and you add value to the main character, you.
I think I just figured out that Deonne works at the Feminist Press, Is there such a place?
Did I lose you, you are very bright and Intelligent, and I'm sure what you are doing is very difficult. To write about yourself and difficult times at that. If I have an idea of more of how you view your surroundings and view the people that influence you I can the relate not only to the story but also the setting and the influential sub-characters. Mostly beer, American, Belgian, Trappist, Saloons, Bowling Alleys, whatever was on sale.
ReplyDeleteDid you feel grown up buying it with groceries or always from what we termed back in the day the packy. Buying from a package store. Did you have to go over the border to get it, did you get carded. Did you start drinking when you were 16 or 15 like most of my high school friends. We had to travel on Sunday's out of state to buy beer, Then we had Keggers in the woods where no one could find us. We'd pee on the fire at the end of the night to put it out, thats if you were still standing, and didn't hook up with a new girlfriend.