Despite the fact that we had very little money, and I wasn't working, we seemed to do ok...at least from my point of view. My job, at that point, was to take care of my daughter the best way I knew how. I was nursing her, and that took a lot of time right there. Jack wanted to help out, and he did...as much as he could. He loved her, it was easy to see....
It took some time for my body to adjust to being a new mom, but it worked out. It took even longer for my mind to adjust...but that happened ....eventually, too. I got into a routine with her and with myself. I managed to learn about nursing and how she was the one that regulates it - not me. So I let her. I had a little help and advice from friends, but mostly what I knew I learned from reading...and from the fact that I was patient. If I hadn't been, I think i would have given up..like I see a lot of young girls do these days. Nursing is not easy - at first. But the longer I stayed with it, the more I liked it!! No messy bottles...no heating up the milk..no MIXING the milk...and it was easier to feed on demand, which I had decided to do. At least at first. And, when we went somewhere, I didn't have to worry about how many bottles to bring along, whether they would spoil, or where I was going to heat them up! She would cry to eat, and I was ready! In fact....there were times I was ready before she was!! It's amazing how Mother Nature works all that out for us...and how it was intentioned to feed our babies the milk we already have!!
I remember a few times that she threw up that milk on her daddy..at the most inopportune times. It was funny...probably not for him, but it was for me. I had to learn what I could eat that wouldn't make her do that...whatever I ate, SHE ate too!!
We were still attending the Baptist church at that time. There seemed to be a lot of babies at that time, and I felt like I had a lot of friends in the young mothers. What I didn't know, and eventually found out, was that having children seemed to be a hobby of these women! Some of them had lots of babies, and were intending to have more!! There was something in the back of my mind that didn't like that idea...and a few of the other things that were going on then...like the man being the 'head of the household' and stuff like that. I could go along with someone having to BE the head of the house...but these men took it to a different level!! It was like the women couldn't say anything! And if they did, it was really not counted anyway!! HE made all the decisions!!
Jack also had a hard time with that...I think he struggled with it just like I did.. He had friends who he would go to for advice, just like I did....I wanted to be a part..I wanted to be what God wanted me to be. So did he...But he struggled with the fact that didn't own a suit, nor did he want to wear one...the fact that he smoked cigarettes, and the folks in the church didn't like that....He wanted to be the "head of the house'...but he wasn't sure how to go about it, and he also knew that I, as his wife, had as much say in things as he did...and he couldn't reconcile those things...
I enjoyed raising Chelsea in the church environment. She had lots of friends...but again, I felt like some of the ladies were looking down their noses at me if I didn't dress her like their girls...But I kept on doing what I thought was right, and what I wanted to do...
I had to go back to work when she was about 3 years old. Up to that time, I hadn't had to work. But we had one of Jack's daughters living with us, and I just had to work to supplement the income.By that time we had moved out to a house in the country...something Jack had always wanted to do. I liked it fine, except it was inconvenient for all the trips we made to church and back, work and back..etc. And times were hard for us financially.. Seems like they always were.
I remember the first time I left Chelsea at the baby sitter's when I went to work...She cried and yelled MAMA so loud I thought my heart was going to break right then and there. God that was hard!! I will never, ever forget that moment...!! But I got through it, just like I did everything else.
We had good times in that house, and we had some really hard times. Derek, Jack's son, also lived with us. He and the girl, Stella, both were going to school in town, and that was hard. There was one time when I didn't know where our next meal was coming from... and then some food was brought to us by a church member...that was a lifesaver...Jack's job and mine just didn't pay our bills, and he kept getting us deeper and deeper in debt.
One time, late at night, a sheriff came by our house. I think it was 9 p.m. I was there alone, with Chelsea, who was a toddler. The sheriff was there to arrest me and take me to jail for an outstanding ticket I had for no insurance. I had forgotten to pay it, or else we didnt' have the money... I didn't know what to do!! I cried, and he asked me if I had any family I could leave Chelsea with...I said no, which was the truth. But I definitely didn't want to leave her anywhere!! He took pity on me and said if I paid the fine the next morning, he wouldn't take me in...God was watching over me that night...
It seemed like our lives were filled with situations like that. The car would die, we had no car, no phone, no way to get to town....no money, plus the anxiety that his kids brought to MY life...he was always gone. Stella was involved in a group home in Wichita...Derek was in trouble all the time. I clung to my Chelsea for solace...and to the fact that I was ok..
My mother and dad must have really wondered what had gotten into me...I sure did!! I look back and think...'Was that really me?' It was a terrible existence...and I wish I had it to do over again....
Jack had an accident at work. He had some big boxes of pork butts fall onto his neck/shoulder area. He lost the use of his left arm...and we went through countless surgeries and stress over that....he couldn't work for a time, and we were in worse shape than before. We tried to do what 'God' wanted us to do..but it seemed like things just got worse.
After a few years of going to church, trying to do what they wanted us to do....it finally become too much of a hardship, for me and for Jack. They stared putting pressure on him to conform...to wear a suit, and to quit smoking. Afer all, they said, you represent the church! Do you think it helps for others to see you smoking?? Then, I didn't like the way they were treating him...so after HE quit going to church, so did I. (That was after I had taught school at the church academy for a couple years, to help pay for Chelsea's tuition.)
We moved into the double-wide mobile home that was next to the old house we'd been in...it was so nice!! Lots of room and much better insulation. Jack started driving over the road for a cattle hauler, and was gone alot...even more than before. I had to listen to his kids...the creditors calling on the phone, the church folks... I home-schooled Chelsea her second grade...which I loved!! I could stay home...play with her, teach her, read to her...and I didn't have to face anyone....For her next year of school, I put her in public school in town.
My feelings for church, and all that it represented has gone through a lot of changes in the ensuing years...
That's when my drinking started....
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Your post broke my heart.
ReplyDeleteI was a pastor for many years and finally came to the conclusion that what is called church today is a far cry from what Jesus intended. He was concerned about the heart, not do's and dont's and outward habits, and certainly not clothes! Nor was church to be a place you went to attend an event consisting of a song service, offering and three points and a poem deivered by an authority supposedly more spiritual than anyone else. So we resigned our positions, sold the church facilities and sought the basics: learning to know a loving, compassionate Father who took the judgement for us in his son, and learning genuinely to love one another with no strings attached. I found out that people didn't really believe God loved them, so were unable to receive his love. Their identity was in what they did and how they performed rather than in who they are in Christ. Religion demands that we perform and clothes us with shame when we fail. It trys to motivate us by creating a sense of religious obligation rather than allowing us to grow in love, the only motivation acceptable to Father. It's good that you gave up on "church" that isn't really church, but I pray that you won't identify God with that fiasco. He accepts and loves us in our weakness, and receiving and living in his love is the way to healing.
Thank you David, for being on the same page as the common man. Your words are not inspirational but a plea for forgiveness from a standard you feel people may bring judgment on you for. We are a forgiving breed and don't hold you responsible for Baptists or other Catholics that may hold some contempt for the cloth. We regard you here as an equal with love and equal amounts of human error that friends and God and Gods Son have forgiven us for and will continue to forgive us for. We have a saying in this world and that is we are all Human. And Dammit Humans Make Mistakes. Also, PooPoo Happens. Thank you for responding to Jeanne. This message in no way reflects the opinions of the original Blogger, It reflects only that opinion of TheTusk commenting.
ReplyDeleteJeanne, you write that it was quite a ride. I'm finally feeling the bumps and grinds in your words. Your story is truly coming through filled with, as we say in the sports world, color commentary. I feel Jack was really there with you trying his best, even though he wasn't home a lot. At first, I wasn't of this opinion, as I thought you led your readers to believe. It certainly felt like very tough times for you and Jack and the kids. With much of your posts I was identifying, it stopped with the Breastfeeding.
But don't get me wrong for the first three years of my daughters life I was the stay at home dad so, I did raise my daughter as you did yours at home for those first 3 critical years. Then into school with her, a Pre-K.
I feel I should say now, sorry for the interruption, please go on...
Thank you both for your posts. As I said in my blog, my experience with a church was less than desirable, and I have had a turnaround in my views. At this point in my life, I don't attend church anywhere...I DO believe in God, however, or more accurately, a Higher Power. I learned and absorbed most of what I believe spiritually from a 12 -step recovery program. I have been a member for 8 years now, and feel like the spirituality is more my style. I agree with The Tusk....PooPoo happens...and we are all human. I don't fault the Baptists for feeling the way they do....I believe also in the "live and let live" philosophy. If it works for them, that's great. it just didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm really gettin' into this, Tusk! I hope you continue to enjoy my blog!! Yep, we were parallel there on the child-rearing until it came to nursing....!!