My drinking story....

I drank some as I was becoming an adult. I drank in college, off and on. In fact, the night that I lost my virginity, I was probably drunk. I DO remember it, though, so I couldn't have been too drunk. I remember going to the local beer joint and sitting there with friends, poking money into the jukebox, moving to the music, and lamenting about our lives. I met a few 'townies' in there too, and admit to a few one-night stands. It seemed to be the drinking hang out for the college at the time. I also drank in my dorm room. Some of us girls would get together and have a party, and there was almost always alcohol involved. But, again, I didn't really go overboard, or drink in excess.

I guess drinking made me feel grown up in a way. Really, being in college made me feel pretty grown up. I really didn't have an opinion about the drinking one way or the other. I think I did it because other people were doing it. It didn't seem to affect me either way.

After I got married the first time, my husband and I hung around with friends that drank. Not a lot...just on weekends, or during a football game. I drank my share of beer during that time, and liked it. I also remember going to the disco clubs on the weekends, and having some beer there....I probably got drunk a few times, and said some things that I shouldn't have said.
Drinking probably led to some behaviors, at that time, that were not good. For instance, in the process of going to clubs, and hanging out with friends, I got involved with another man...not an affair...just a look across a room, a wink, a promise. Nothing ever came of it, but it nevertheless made my husband feel like crap, and I ended up feeling guilty and responsible. I blame the alcohol for what happened, but I take responsibility for what I did...now. I guess at that time, I liked the way that alcohol made me feel, but I didn't act on it...not then.

It wasn't until later on in our marriage....after I'd had my child, and things started getting difficult with the bills, and the child-rearing, and the stepkids, and the self-esteem. All it took was a few beers, a glass of wine, to make me realize that the effects of the alcohol took me away. It helped me escape, and made me feel so much better.
I was a social drinker, but I quickly turned into a non-social drinker. I drank alone, for the most part. Oh, there were times, later on, when I would go to a bar with my second husband, and sit there and drink a few beers with him. But mostly I drank at home, with a bottle of wine, and tell myself that it was ok.

When I first separated from my first husband, I lived in an apartment, and drank lots of beer. I would go to to the liquor store and buy it, in bottles. Sometimes I would buy malt liquor, or wine. Then, I quit drinking the beer, and went straight to the wine. It seemed quicker, and I liked the taste better.
I would stop at the liquor store once a week and get a bottle of wine. That quickly escalated into several times a week, and then into almost every day. And then, instead of everyday, I bought several bottles when I did go, so I didn't have to go again so soon. This all happened over a time period of several years. I spread my liquor business over several different liquor stores so one of them wouldn't see that I was there all the time...I wasn't fooling anyone, I'm sure.

When my second husband and I moved into our home - a raggedy trailer that I tried to make into a home but ended up hating - I was drinking quite a bit. But I still didn't think it was a problem. He would watch football, gamble, and talk on the phone, and I would sit there and drink. When I cooked I would sip on a glass of wine. When I read, I would sip on a glass of wine. When he would go to the horse racing track and gamble, I would sip on a glass of wine. It was simple - his vice was gambling, mine was drinking. And I had kept up my wandering eye, and my promiscuity.
It wasn't until he and I had had several really loud, physical arguments that I realized that my drinking, and his, at times, was contributing to the problem. But still, I ignored it, and vowed each time that it would be different, that I wouldn't get verbally abusive or loud and argumentative this time.

I tried church. I tried reading self-help books. I tried online help. I tried everything...except admitting that I had a problem. And I still didn't want to do that...cause I didn't have one!!

The thought of an AA meeting - filled with old men in a smoke-filled room - didn't appeal to me at all. I wasn't one of them anyway!! So I continued with my drinking, continued with my loud, yelling fights, continued with my promiscuity, until I hit my bottom. Actually I had several bottoms, but my last one came after I had hit the first few. I had to keep doing research until I was convinced I was an alcoholic.

When I was drinking, I:
- Made an ass of myself by yelling at my husband in front of a whole bar full of people...I even slapped him on the face!!
- Made an ass of myself by talking stupidly in front of my family
- Made an ass of myself by having sex with people I NEVER would have done had I been sober.
- Thought I was being sneaky and innocent by putting my wine in another container and taking it with me
- Made an ass of myself even when I wasn't drinking, simply because of my anger and resentments that had built up in me.
- Got jealous and envious of people when I shouldn't have...
-Probably screwed up a lot of my life, and my daughter's life....
- Blacked out quite a few times. The most embarrassing times were when I knew I had made love to my husband but couldn't remember it.

On August 16, 2001, late at night, after I'd been drinking heavily all evening, I found myself - and I say that because I'd been having blackouts quite frequently up till then - in my car, out in my driveway, and only wearing my underwear, with a glass of wine in one hand, and my cell phone in the other. I have no idea how I got there, or what I was doing, but I was totally ashamed of myself. Nobody around...nobody to see me...but at that point I hated myself for how I got where I was. I haven't had a drink since then.