So...not only did I get sober, I left my husband of six years, a move that was both good and bad. It was good, because I felt like it was something that would keep me sober. I was not happy with him, with our life, and with the way things were going. Every time I got drunk, the meanness would come out in me and I would rail at him, yell at him, start an argument, and just generally make an ass of myself. At home. In the privacy of my own home. And each time I did that I would berate myself and hate myself, and swear it wouldn't happen again. That I would drink but not get stupid. But that didn't happen, mainly because it just couldn't. I was an alcoholic and when an alcoholic drinks, the same thing happens over and over again! I had to realize that. I couldn't drink like a normal person. On August 17, 2001, that's what happened. I had had too much to drink - AGAIN - and I found myself in my car, at 2 a.m., with my cell phone in my hand, and only my underpants on. I have NO idea how I got there, what I was doing there, or who I was calling. But I looked at myself in the car's rear view mirror and was totally humiliated by what I had done and how far I had come..and how I had gotten to that point! This was after a 6 month relapse, and I already knew about the AA program. I knew how to stop, I knew what God could do for me, what my sponsor could do for me. But I had to go out and do some more 'research'. And so I found that YES I am an alcoholic. No question about it. I am. And so now...what I had to do...at that point, was to pick myself up and get back on track with sobriety.
I was a hard thing to do. And now - almost 9 years later - I am convinced that each time you relapse, it is harder to get back to the program. When I got sober that summer day in 2001, I made a commitment to my recovery. I was going to "go to any lengths" to stay sober, as it said in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous. And I did. I went to a meeting every day for many months. I talked to my sponsor every day. I talked to other alcoholics. I stayed aware of each moment that I walked through the day, and made sure that I had a plan for any circumstance where drinking might be going on. I HAD to!! I had to stay sober this time. I had gotten my daughter back, but I wanted to keep her and I really wanted to stay sober!! I hated myself when I drank. I hated the way my life was going. I hated that I acted so stupidly.
I couldn't blame Jeff. I couldn't blame anyone else for my drinking. and I knew that. But I also knew that in my own head, I was rebelling against the way my life was at the time. And my marriage to Jeff, and my life with him, and my life in that trailer, was NOT what I wanted nor what I felt I deserved. I wanted a better life for me and for my daughter, that involved a nicer home, a bigger home, and peace and contentment each day. Sure, I knew I would have some troubles, but I didn't want to feel like turning to booze every time I had troubles!! I wanted to smile each day, and be able to take a deep breath and know that all was going to be ok. And I wanted to be able to talk to my higher power every day and know that I was being heard...that I had a clear conscience when I did talk to him.
It was so good to get into my own home with my daughter and not worry about drinking...or having to do housework when I got home, or worry about what HE was going to do. It was just me and her, and that was all I needed to be concerned about. I continued to go to meetings, and work my steps and talk to my sponsor and talk to God. Things were going fine....and I finally had some peace.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
On my own....
So....I tried to get sober a couple times...and each time, at about four months or so, I would twist off, as they say, and start drinking again. The last time, I was working at the convention and visitors bureau, at the Chamber of Commerce, and I was attending a political caucus. It was in February 2001. I remember clearly that I was in another world in my head, not the one I was supposed to be in, because there was free booze everywhere!! There was wine on the tables, there were bars where you could get a couple free drinks with your attendance....and I was struggling NOT to drink....but I failed. I figured, why not...it's free. So I got a glass of wine. I was discreet, and didn't over do it, but that opened the doors for me again. I screwed up so why not keep going? I thought. Now I'm back to drinking, and I was feeling ok again. That relapse lasted until August, when I got sober for the last time.
During that time, I was still living with Jeff, but I was not happy. I was going to meetings, talking with my sponsor, trying to figure out HOW to stay sober!! When they would say "Don't drink and go to meetings", I could get the go to meeting part, but not the don't drink part!! I was arguing with Jeff, and just really all over the place. When I finally did hit bottom, in August, I was really ready to leave and Jeff and I were not getting along very well. I know I was trying to make it work, I really was...but I just wasn't happy...and I thought maybe that had something to do with my drinking and not being able to stop. After I got sober, I went to a meeting every day, sometimes twice a day, and worked on my sobriety with everything I had. The home life just wasn't good...between Jeff and Chelsea...it was hard to make my recovery work. I know....outside influences shouldn't make a difference, but they seemed to at the time. And since I had made a commitment to my recovery, I wanted to do whatever it took to stay sober!!
I had enough sense in my brain to think about leaving...and Chelsea and I were looking at a couple houses to buy. I was talking with a real estate woman and having her help me find a house I could comfortably afford. I know Jeff knew it...he could tell I wasn't happy. We talked about it, and he said that he really wanted me to be happy...and if leaving was going to do it, then I needed to leave. I was thinking that I needed to leave in order to stay sober. But I didn't want that to be a cop out and so I talked it over with my sponsor. Usually geographic changes are not a good idea to stay sober, but we both felt that this was probably a good idea.
I got sober in August 2001. It took me until December of that year to get things together to buy my house and leave. I had help from my dad with the down payment, found a house that I could buy on contract for deed, and then moved. During that time I still went to meetings, I still worked my program, I still talked to my sponsor, but I felt my recovery was shaky.
But it felt right to move into that home, away from my husband. It felt good. And, even though I wanted to be away from Jeff, it was a really hard thing to do for me. I was leaving a somewhat secure home, a somewhat secure life - well, I don't know about that, but I was leaving familiarity and routine. There, I said it. Change is hard!! But Chelsea and I took what we wanted out of the trashy trailer that we were living in with Jeff and moved into this house on D street. It was nice....it was clean, neat, good, cozy, and it was mine!! I was embarking on a new life...a new chapter in my life, so to speak.
But, there really was a lot going on!! I was leaving my home, leaving my husband, getting and staying sober, going through menopause, and buying a home. Chelsea was 17 at the time, and she had just lost her dad about a year before that....so I was having a little trouble with my depression and my moods. The doctor had me on an antidepressant at the time, and sometimes it would work and sometimes it wouldn't. I hated the depression, and there were times that it was debilitating...it made me not even want to move. I still had to go to work every day...still had to show up to meetings, and still had to put one foot in front of the other. It was hard. But I kept on...and plodded on...and tried to do the next right thing.
If it hadn't been for my daughter, and my sponsor, and my family....I don't know that I would have been ok...but I knew there were people who loved me and that's what kept me going.
During that time, I was still living with Jeff, but I was not happy. I was going to meetings, talking with my sponsor, trying to figure out HOW to stay sober!! When they would say "Don't drink and go to meetings", I could get the go to meeting part, but not the don't drink part!! I was arguing with Jeff, and just really all over the place. When I finally did hit bottom, in August, I was really ready to leave and Jeff and I were not getting along very well. I know I was trying to make it work, I really was...but I just wasn't happy...and I thought maybe that had something to do with my drinking and not being able to stop. After I got sober, I went to a meeting every day, sometimes twice a day, and worked on my sobriety with everything I had. The home life just wasn't good...between Jeff and Chelsea...it was hard to make my recovery work. I know....outside influences shouldn't make a difference, but they seemed to at the time. And since I had made a commitment to my recovery, I wanted to do whatever it took to stay sober!!
I had enough sense in my brain to think about leaving...and Chelsea and I were looking at a couple houses to buy. I was talking with a real estate woman and having her help me find a house I could comfortably afford. I know Jeff knew it...he could tell I wasn't happy. We talked about it, and he said that he really wanted me to be happy...and if leaving was going to do it, then I needed to leave. I was thinking that I needed to leave in order to stay sober. But I didn't want that to be a cop out and so I talked it over with my sponsor. Usually geographic changes are not a good idea to stay sober, but we both felt that this was probably a good idea.
I got sober in August 2001. It took me until December of that year to get things together to buy my house and leave. I had help from my dad with the down payment, found a house that I could buy on contract for deed, and then moved. During that time I still went to meetings, I still worked my program, I still talked to my sponsor, but I felt my recovery was shaky.
But it felt right to move into that home, away from my husband. It felt good. And, even though I wanted to be away from Jeff, it was a really hard thing to do for me. I was leaving a somewhat secure home, a somewhat secure life - well, I don't know about that, but I was leaving familiarity and routine. There, I said it. Change is hard!! But Chelsea and I took what we wanted out of the trashy trailer that we were living in with Jeff and moved into this house on D street. It was nice....it was clean, neat, good, cozy, and it was mine!! I was embarking on a new life...a new chapter in my life, so to speak.
But, there really was a lot going on!! I was leaving my home, leaving my husband, getting and staying sober, going through menopause, and buying a home. Chelsea was 17 at the time, and she had just lost her dad about a year before that....so I was having a little trouble with my depression and my moods. The doctor had me on an antidepressant at the time, and sometimes it would work and sometimes it wouldn't. I hated the depression, and there were times that it was debilitating...it made me not even want to move. I still had to go to work every day...still had to show up to meetings, and still had to put one foot in front of the other. It was hard. But I kept on...and plodded on...and tried to do the next right thing.
If it hadn't been for my daughter, and my sponsor, and my family....I don't know that I would have been ok...but I knew there were people who loved me and that's what kept me going.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
How I got sober...
After Jack's death, I went back to Ark City, my daughter and me, to continue life. She stayed in close touch with her sisters and brother, and I continued with my drinking and living with my second husband. But I don't think, at that point, that I felt it was going to last much longer.
I had tried, unsuccessfully, to quit drinking. I knew that I had a problem. I would drink wine, yell at my husband, get stupid, get angry, and then realize that it was probably the alcohol doing that to me. I knew that I had a problem. I knew that I needed to get help.
I read self-help books. I got on line to an AA meeting. I tried everything....just drink so many drinks, just drink after a certain time, blah, blah, blah. I tried to quit on my own. I did everything except go to an actual AA meeting. I had this idea that it was a smoke-filled room full of old men, smoking cigarettes and cigars, drinking coffee, and laughing about 'guy stuff'...I don't know. I had NO idea, really. I drove by the address of the meeting, called them on the phone several times, but never got up the nerve to go.
But finally I did....one Sunday, I think it was. After a Saturday night of drinking...at home...alone. That was the way I usually did it. I would just drink and get mad and scream or argue, and then pass out. And Jeff would be always forgiving of me...he'd say, "I don't care if you drink, just don't start your shit!" And that would make sense, and it would give me permission to go ahead and drink more. Hey, if my spouse didn't mind, why should I? So, on I went. And he would forgive me for yelling at him, whatever I dished out.
The meeting I went to was the place there where the 'card-signers' went, the ones who had been court-ordered to go to meetings. But I didn't know that at the time. It was just a place where I was able to meet other alcoholics. I remember the first meeting...and that I just sat there and listened. They were all men, if I remember right, and they were all either sober or trying to get and stay that way.
So over the course of a few months, I stayed sober....with the help of the meetings. But I didn't get a sponsor. All I did was read the Big Book and go to meetings. And that was good. I stayed sober for two 4 month stretches, with lots of ups and downs in between. During that time, I somehow, not remembering how, started attending meetings at the local NA house. The Narcotics Anonymous group were really into recovery from addiction, and there was much more female recovery in that group too. So there was where I got a sponsor, started working the steps, and really got into staying sober. Even when I twisted off the second time, I still continued going to meetings and talking to my sponsor. I knew...I just KNEW that was where I belonged and that was who I needed to be talking to...and it was my life line.
My final night of drinking...my BOTTOM, as they call it...was August 16, 2001, when I found myself out in my car, in the wee hours of the morning, with only my underpants on, and talking on my cell phone. I have no idea how I got there, I have no idea who I was talking to. But I was totally humiliated...at myself...for being and doing and looking the way I did. ...I couldn't do it anymore, and I suddenly saw who I really was...a drunk. And that was the last time I drank. I made a new commitment to my recovery the next day...and have been sober since.
It's been a long hard 8 years..but it's been good, and it's been progressive, and full of gratitude. I am soooo glad, every day, that I chose sobriety. And it's always good to talk to others who are going through the same thing....my sponsor, friends, other alcoholics. I can find a meeting anywhere I go...and I feel like I'm coming home.
It was not easy to tell my family, and it's still hard to tell other people, but it gets easier all the time. I am still committed to my recovery, and it is the first thing that I think about most days.
I had tried, unsuccessfully, to quit drinking. I knew that I had a problem. I would drink wine, yell at my husband, get stupid, get angry, and then realize that it was probably the alcohol doing that to me. I knew that I had a problem. I knew that I needed to get help.
I read self-help books. I got on line to an AA meeting. I tried everything....just drink so many drinks, just drink after a certain time, blah, blah, blah. I tried to quit on my own. I did everything except go to an actual AA meeting. I had this idea that it was a smoke-filled room full of old men, smoking cigarettes and cigars, drinking coffee, and laughing about 'guy stuff'...I don't know. I had NO idea, really. I drove by the address of the meeting, called them on the phone several times, but never got up the nerve to go.
But finally I did....one Sunday, I think it was. After a Saturday night of drinking...at home...alone. That was the way I usually did it. I would just drink and get mad and scream or argue, and then pass out. And Jeff would be always forgiving of me...he'd say, "I don't care if you drink, just don't start your shit!" And that would make sense, and it would give me permission to go ahead and drink more. Hey, if my spouse didn't mind, why should I? So, on I went. And he would forgive me for yelling at him, whatever I dished out.
The meeting I went to was the place there where the 'card-signers' went, the ones who had been court-ordered to go to meetings. But I didn't know that at the time. It was just a place where I was able to meet other alcoholics. I remember the first meeting...and that I just sat there and listened. They were all men, if I remember right, and they were all either sober or trying to get and stay that way.
So over the course of a few months, I stayed sober....with the help of the meetings. But I didn't get a sponsor. All I did was read the Big Book and go to meetings. And that was good. I stayed sober for two 4 month stretches, with lots of ups and downs in between. During that time, I somehow, not remembering how, started attending meetings at the local NA house. The Narcotics Anonymous group were really into recovery from addiction, and there was much more female recovery in that group too. So there was where I got a sponsor, started working the steps, and really got into staying sober. Even when I twisted off the second time, I still continued going to meetings and talking to my sponsor. I knew...I just KNEW that was where I belonged and that was who I needed to be talking to...and it was my life line.
My final night of drinking...my BOTTOM, as they call it...was August 16, 2001, when I found myself out in my car, in the wee hours of the morning, with only my underpants on, and talking on my cell phone. I have no idea how I got there, I have no idea who I was talking to. But I was totally humiliated...at myself...for being and doing and looking the way I did. ...I couldn't do it anymore, and I suddenly saw who I really was...a drunk. And that was the last time I drank. I made a new commitment to my recovery the next day...and have been sober since.
It's been a long hard 8 years..but it's been good, and it's been progressive, and full of gratitude. I am soooo glad, every day, that I chose sobriety. And it's always good to talk to others who are going through the same thing....my sponsor, friends, other alcoholics. I can find a meeting anywhere I go...and I feel like I'm coming home.
It was not easy to tell my family, and it's still hard to tell other people, but it gets easier all the time. I am still committed to my recovery, and it is the first thing that I think about most days.
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