Deep breath....
For some reason, I'm feeling stronger today...stronger than I have in a long time. I'm ready to do some writing...I'm ready to talk/write/think about Jack's death and what it meant to me and to my/his daughter.
It rocked my world!! Even though we had been divorced for about 6 years, and I was even remarried, it shook me up like I never thought it would!! I got the call that he had passed when I was in a meeting at a motel in town. I was working as the convention and visitors bureau coordinator, and was talking with the owners of the motel at the time. I got the call from the nurse at the clinic where he'd been, I think...that he'd passed away. My first thought was - No, you're mistaken!! It can't be!! He's fine!! - Isn't that the thought that most people have when they're told of someone's death? I don't know. But it was my reaction. But then, it sunk in, and my next thought was for my daughter...I knew she was at home, and I didn't know if she'd been told yet. I made my excuses, hurried home, and she was sitting in the doorway of the house we lived in...crying...with the phone in her hand. Apparently her sister, Staci, had called and told her. She was almost inconsolable....and all I could do was hug her.
That day and the days that followed are kind of a blur to me. I don't remember a lot about them...just that we went to southeast Kansas, the town where he'd lived, to be with his other kids. His wishes were to be cremated, but somehow the funeral home was going to allow the family to see him before they sent him away. So he was on a table, with just a blanket over him up to his chest. There was lots of crying..especially from his half-sisters and step mom. His son, Derek, could hardly contain himself, he was so broken up. There were friends there, ones that I hadn't seen for a while, and some that I had.
I don't know what the rest of them did. I do know that Chelsea spent some time in there with him, with her sister, and I think with me...but I'm no sure. When it was finally my turn to go in and 'see' him, I really relished that little bit of time with him. I slowly walked to him, and put my hands on him.....I told him that I loved him, and that I would miss him, and that I was thankful for the good times that we had together....and that I hoped he was in a better place... We had talked about that a lot....about going to heaven, about being whole and healthy again when you die. So, I knew that he could hear me, and that he was happy. THAT made ME feel better, and maybe that's what that's all about. But the important thing is, I was able to say my last goodbyes to his body....but I still, to this day, feel that he can hear me.
I sat in on the meeting of my stepkids and the funeral director. I didn't have much say so in what was being done, but I felt I could be there to advise or console. Their mother was there, too, and I didn't have a problem with that, either. By that time, she and I were friends, because we knew there was nothing to keep us from being that!!
Chelsea and I came back home for a day or two, because they decided to have the memorial service later that week, and we couldn't stay until then, and I had to get back to work. But we went back for the service....and it was nice. The kids had made a collage of all his pictures - a big one of him in his favorite shirt and shorts, and then smaller ones of them, and me, and Chelsea, growing up in different stages of life. It was a wonderful tribute to him. The service was not long, and his friend, Stan, spoke. Stan had been a friend to him during our marriage and after as well. I know he talked to Stan about our relationship, my leaving and all that stuff. And I have a feeling Stan was not very happy with me...but he never said anything to me. My name was mentioned in the eulogy that Stan gave...the "Jeanne was the love of Jack's life.." That made me feel good...and I am glad that other people heard that...I'm not sure why. I just wanted (needed) that validation. Jack was the love of MY life too....I just couldn't be married to him anymore. And since nobody asked me, I never did say that...I feel like Jack knew that...in his heart.
I don't want to dwell on this...but there was a time after the service that his older sister, Susan, absolutely snubbed me...I went to try and hug her, and she just put her hands up like "Don't touch me!" She was the one who wailed during the whole service, too...and others heard it as well. That's fine....she wasn't around much when he was alive, and I felt that she had no cause to be so grief-stricken when he died. I don't lose any sleep over the snubbing - she was NOT one of my favorite people anyway.
It's been hard for Chelsea, over the last 10 years since he's been gone. And I understand that....and I have been as supportive and understanding as I can be. She doesn't like to talk about him....but once in awhile she will say something about him...like what she remembers him doing, or what he said...or what he was like. And it's become more and more frequent....like she is finally able to talk about him without crying. I have come to terms - somewhat - with his death, as I hope his other kids have too. I have the guilt to deal with as well...the guilt that I carried around for so long. I felt guilty about divorcing him, especially after he died. I dont' feel that way anymore....in fact, I feel good about him watching me and knowing what I am doing. I talk to him from time to time, and know that he is in a good place.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snow...
I don't want to write about the next, natural part in my life, that is, after Jack died, and Chelsea and I were left to go on. And the reason I don't want to write about it right now is because I'm struggling with depression, and I just think that it wouldn't be a great idea. So I'm going to write about the snow that we've had here in southwest Colorado...and it just keeps coming!!
I like snow! I really do. And it's a good thing, since I live where I do. I wonder, sometimes, about the people I encounter who really don't like snow. I wonder why they live here, and why they don't go somewhere where it's warm all year round. There are plenty of people who do that, and they really like it. But I like the snow. But I especially like the sunshine that we get here, whether or not it's snowing!
I would like to say that my depression is due to the fact that the sun hasn't shone around here for about three days or more, and it finally IS today! It is SO good to see the sun again. I didn't realize how important the sun is to me! The blue sky, the warm sun, the cheerfulness of it. For me, it's hard to be depressed on a day when the sun is shining, and I can see people wandering around with sunglasses, and smiles on their faces. Even when they're bundled up against the cold, it heartens me to see them out and about.
We have about 2 feet of snow on the ground - or more - and we had just a skiff last evening. It was a very light snow yesterday, light enough that I was able to just sweep it off my car. Monday morning, though, I went down to start my car, and I discovered about 6 inches or more of heavy, heavy snow, and I had to spend about an hour shoveling out behind my car, so I could get it out. I don't mind...it gives me a chance to get outside, and it offers me a time to think about things and get started on my day. I just don't want to have a heart attack while I'm doing it! It's also a good thing that I don't have to be at work at a certain time. I can take my time, and rest every once in awhile.
I haven't written anything for a while, either, and I wonder if that is contributing to my depression. I should write every day, at least something, even if it's a little bit about how I'm feeling that day. That way i can get my feelings out and I won't feel so cooped up, so wrapped up, so constricted....and my feelings will be out there....I won't have to keep them inside and dwell on them. Maybe that's the key...to let my feelings go...out there somewhere, and then I won't have them to make me depressed!!
I have started writing a book and I know that I need to write on it, at least every day too. It's overwhelming, and I know - in my head, anyway - all the tricks....take it one part at a time, little bits...keep writing and don't edit yourself, don't worry about how it's going to sound, just keep writing. And I can do that. It's just setting my butt down in the chair and doing it that's the problem. Right now, anyway. It seems that I have a lot of things swirling around in my head that I feel that I'd like to write down, but i don't know where to start and I don't know what form they should take, and I guess I just get confused. I make excuses for myself all the time, but I know it's just a matter of sitting down and writing....writing...writing...and getting into the habit.
I like snow! I really do. And it's a good thing, since I live where I do. I wonder, sometimes, about the people I encounter who really don't like snow. I wonder why they live here, and why they don't go somewhere where it's warm all year round. There are plenty of people who do that, and they really like it. But I like the snow. But I especially like the sunshine that we get here, whether or not it's snowing!
I would like to say that my depression is due to the fact that the sun hasn't shone around here for about three days or more, and it finally IS today! It is SO good to see the sun again. I didn't realize how important the sun is to me! The blue sky, the warm sun, the cheerfulness of it. For me, it's hard to be depressed on a day when the sun is shining, and I can see people wandering around with sunglasses, and smiles on their faces. Even when they're bundled up against the cold, it heartens me to see them out and about.
We have about 2 feet of snow on the ground - or more - and we had just a skiff last evening. It was a very light snow yesterday, light enough that I was able to just sweep it off my car. Monday morning, though, I went down to start my car, and I discovered about 6 inches or more of heavy, heavy snow, and I had to spend about an hour shoveling out behind my car, so I could get it out. I don't mind...it gives me a chance to get outside, and it offers me a time to think about things and get started on my day. I just don't want to have a heart attack while I'm doing it! It's also a good thing that I don't have to be at work at a certain time. I can take my time, and rest every once in awhile.
I haven't written anything for a while, either, and I wonder if that is contributing to my depression. I should write every day, at least something, even if it's a little bit about how I'm feeling that day. That way i can get my feelings out and I won't feel so cooped up, so wrapped up, so constricted....and my feelings will be out there....I won't have to keep them inside and dwell on them. Maybe that's the key...to let my feelings go...out there somewhere, and then I won't have them to make me depressed!!
I have started writing a book and I know that I need to write on it, at least every day too. It's overwhelming, and I know - in my head, anyway - all the tricks....take it one part at a time, little bits...keep writing and don't edit yourself, don't worry about how it's going to sound, just keep writing. And I can do that. It's just setting my butt down in the chair and doing it that's the problem. Right now, anyway. It seems that I have a lot of things swirling around in my head that I feel that I'd like to write down, but i don't know where to start and I don't know what form they should take, and I guess I just get confused. I make excuses for myself all the time, but I know it's just a matter of sitting down and writing....writing...writing...and getting into the habit.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Still in the present...
Ok, it's still January 2010...and I'm still needing to talk about my daughter...
She's in good hands. I know that.
After her surgery, and subsequent recuperation in Ark City, her sisters loaded her up and took her back to KC with them, with her dogs. I know she really appreciated everything they did for her, and I did too!! I still do!! I talked with her by phone about every day, and she would let me know how things were progressing with her. She didn't seem to be healing as fast as I thought she should, but then I am not there, and I wasn't sure. At one point she even started crying on the phone when I was talking to her, because she was frustrated at not being able to get around like she wanted to, and upset the she hurt no matter what she did! I felt so badly for her, and wanted to hug her....it made me feel bad. But I also knew that healing takes time.
This is Saturday...I am not sure what day it was but one day - maybe Tuesday or Wednesday - the sister that she was staying with got in a fight with her husband, and later that day decided to leave the house, supposedly to go smoke crack. That's what Chelsea said. (She's an addict - we already knew that, but I thought she had been clean for a while.) Anyway, Chelsea called me telling me that she was pissed, that her sister had taken Chelsea's dogs with her and had been gone for about 5 hours!! It was a drama-filled day, needless to say. The sister's son was having a birthday that next day, and Chelsea was just really worried about how this was going to affect everyone. All I could do, on the phone, was commiserate with her, listen to her, and then tell her to wait. Which she already knew to do.
The next day she called and said that Stella had finally come home, with Chelsea's dogs, after about 7 hours of being gone. Yes, Chelsea thinks she had been smoking crack, but the sister came up with an excuse as to why she had been gone for so long. She had run into a friend, they had gone to a bar to get a couple drinks, blah, blah, blah. Chelsea knew it was a lie, but all she was concerned about was her dogs. Then, when I talked with her later that day, she said that Stella had gone to jail....for trying to steal someone's purse, and driving on a suspended license. Well, that was that. I told Chelsea there was definitely nothing she could do now!! Stella's husband was a big boy, and the kids were just going to have to deal with the consequences. She loaded up her stuff and went to stay with her other sister, Staci. That was fine, except Stacie's husband is just not too fine with having dogs in the house. But I also knew it was the best place for her....
Then... that night, she called and said that she was in the emergency room at the hospital there. Staci said she thought her belly was swollen and red, and it shouldn't be that way...They admitted her, and I fretted all night long about how she was going to be, and whether or not she would be ok. I found out the next day that she still had fluid inside her, in pockets around her bladder and uterus...and they didn't know if they were infected or not....That was a couple days ago, and she'll be there until her fever goes down, she said.
It's all been kind of a blur. I have tried to deal with it, and take it in stride. I have talked with Staci and Chelsea, and listened and learned what I can. I am still very, very appreciative and thankful for her sister, Staci, but I still feel guilty. It's hard being this far away. I know she wants me there, but with all the snow we've had, I really doubt that I could go out there, even if I had the money to travel. My best friend, Netta, lives a few hours away, and she went up to stay with Chelsea last night, and I was really happy about that. Yesterday was when they took out her staples, and did a sonagram on her belly to see what was in there. Chelsea sounded pretty good yesterday, but she gets really upset about things and I know that's not good either. They were giving her Dilaudid and Atavan to calm her down...and so she was dopey. She was also irritable.
I'm feeling lonely, sad, depressed....and kind of out of it, actually. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I'm not sure if it's because of all this, or something else. I stay to myself, and don't really want to talk to anyone. Again, I don't know if it's because of what's going on with Chelsea, or just because I'm isolating. I should call my sponsor and talk with her..... I feel out of place, out of sorts, lost...homesick...I'm not sure. Where I was feeling so grateful and blessed a week or so ago, I'm feeling dejected and out of sorts today. I take walks to get out in the fresh air, but I still feel lost when I get home.
........
I talked to my friend, Netta, who is still there this Saturday evening. She filled me in on what has been going on with Chelsea. She was there all night last night, and she said that Chelsea was up and down, that the machine was beeping a lot, and that she is very restless, irritable, and talks constantly about going home, being with her dogs, seeing her old man, and just hating to be in the hospital. she also told me that the doctor came in and took a culture of Chelsea's 'leakage' from her incision, and then intimated that it might be staph. THAT made me cry....and all I can do is hope for the best. To stay positive and know that it's all in God's hands.
Then I tried calling Chelsea's phone again, and there was no answer. What do I do? Do I try to figure out how to make the trip and go there? All I can do is hold her hand, be there for her, give her moral support. That's essentially what her sister and my friend, Netta, are doing. They can't make her relax, they can't make her calm down. I called my sponsor and cried on her shoulder for a while. She said the same thing - all you can do is offer moral support. Even if I was able to go there, that's all I could do. But I go back and forth between feeling guilty and feeling ok...between feeling like I should be there , and feeling like it's ok if I'm not..that she's in good hands.
Chelsea finally called me back. I asked her how she was doing, and she said the same old thing. "i'm in the hospital and the same thing is going on...." I said that she didn't need to get irritable with me, and she said fine that she would just go. And hung up. I tried calling her back and left a message. No answer. I guess I really can't say much to her at this point. She is really upset and irritable and nothing I say is going to make a difference. It makes me cry...it makes my cry...I don't know what to do!!
I guess I will wait and find out what the doctor says tomorrow about the culture and go from there. Mean while...I can pray...i can get my head right, my heart right, and know know know that God is in control. He is taking care of all of this and all I can do is trust trust trust.....
She's in good hands. I know that.
After her surgery, and subsequent recuperation in Ark City, her sisters loaded her up and took her back to KC with them, with her dogs. I know she really appreciated everything they did for her, and I did too!! I still do!! I talked with her by phone about every day, and she would let me know how things were progressing with her. She didn't seem to be healing as fast as I thought she should, but then I am not there, and I wasn't sure. At one point she even started crying on the phone when I was talking to her, because she was frustrated at not being able to get around like she wanted to, and upset the she hurt no matter what she did! I felt so badly for her, and wanted to hug her....it made me feel bad. But I also knew that healing takes time.
This is Saturday...I am not sure what day it was but one day - maybe Tuesday or Wednesday - the sister that she was staying with got in a fight with her husband, and later that day decided to leave the house, supposedly to go smoke crack. That's what Chelsea said. (She's an addict - we already knew that, but I thought she had been clean for a while.) Anyway, Chelsea called me telling me that she was pissed, that her sister had taken Chelsea's dogs with her and had been gone for about 5 hours!! It was a drama-filled day, needless to say. The sister's son was having a birthday that next day, and Chelsea was just really worried about how this was going to affect everyone. All I could do, on the phone, was commiserate with her, listen to her, and then tell her to wait. Which she already knew to do.
The next day she called and said that Stella had finally come home, with Chelsea's dogs, after about 7 hours of being gone. Yes, Chelsea thinks she had been smoking crack, but the sister came up with an excuse as to why she had been gone for so long. She had run into a friend, they had gone to a bar to get a couple drinks, blah, blah, blah. Chelsea knew it was a lie, but all she was concerned about was her dogs. Then, when I talked with her later that day, she said that Stella had gone to jail....for trying to steal someone's purse, and driving on a suspended license. Well, that was that. I told Chelsea there was definitely nothing she could do now!! Stella's husband was a big boy, and the kids were just going to have to deal with the consequences. She loaded up her stuff and went to stay with her other sister, Staci. That was fine, except Stacie's husband is just not too fine with having dogs in the house. But I also knew it was the best place for her....
Then... that night, she called and said that she was in the emergency room at the hospital there. Staci said she thought her belly was swollen and red, and it shouldn't be that way...They admitted her, and I fretted all night long about how she was going to be, and whether or not she would be ok. I found out the next day that she still had fluid inside her, in pockets around her bladder and uterus...and they didn't know if they were infected or not....That was a couple days ago, and she'll be there until her fever goes down, she said.
It's all been kind of a blur. I have tried to deal with it, and take it in stride. I have talked with Staci and Chelsea, and listened and learned what I can. I am still very, very appreciative and thankful for her sister, Staci, but I still feel guilty. It's hard being this far away. I know she wants me there, but with all the snow we've had, I really doubt that I could go out there, even if I had the money to travel. My best friend, Netta, lives a few hours away, and she went up to stay with Chelsea last night, and I was really happy about that. Yesterday was when they took out her staples, and did a sonagram on her belly to see what was in there. Chelsea sounded pretty good yesterday, but she gets really upset about things and I know that's not good either. They were giving her Dilaudid and Atavan to calm her down...and so she was dopey. She was also irritable.
I'm feeling lonely, sad, depressed....and kind of out of it, actually. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I'm not sure if it's because of all this, or something else. I stay to myself, and don't really want to talk to anyone. Again, I don't know if it's because of what's going on with Chelsea, or just because I'm isolating. I should call my sponsor and talk with her..... I feel out of place, out of sorts, lost...homesick...I'm not sure. Where I was feeling so grateful and blessed a week or so ago, I'm feeling dejected and out of sorts today. I take walks to get out in the fresh air, but I still feel lost when I get home.
........
I talked to my friend, Netta, who is still there this Saturday evening. She filled me in on what has been going on with Chelsea. She was there all night last night, and she said that Chelsea was up and down, that the machine was beeping a lot, and that she is very restless, irritable, and talks constantly about going home, being with her dogs, seeing her old man, and just hating to be in the hospital. she also told me that the doctor came in and took a culture of Chelsea's 'leakage' from her incision, and then intimated that it might be staph. THAT made me cry....and all I can do is hope for the best. To stay positive and know that it's all in God's hands.
Then I tried calling Chelsea's phone again, and there was no answer. What do I do? Do I try to figure out how to make the trip and go there? All I can do is hold her hand, be there for her, give her moral support. That's essentially what her sister and my friend, Netta, are doing. They can't make her relax, they can't make her calm down. I called my sponsor and cried on her shoulder for a while. She said the same thing - all you can do is offer moral support. Even if I was able to go there, that's all I could do. But I go back and forth between feeling guilty and feeling ok...between feeling like I should be there , and feeling like it's ok if I'm not..that she's in good hands.
Chelsea finally called me back. I asked her how she was doing, and she said the same old thing. "i'm in the hospital and the same thing is going on...." I said that she didn't need to get irritable with me, and she said fine that she would just go. And hung up. I tried calling her back and left a message. No answer. I guess I really can't say much to her at this point. She is really upset and irritable and nothing I say is going to make a difference. It makes me cry...it makes my cry...I don't know what to do!!
I guess I will wait and find out what the doctor says tomorrow about the culture and go from there. Mean while...I can pray...i can get my head right, my heart right, and know know know that God is in control. He is taking care of all of this and all I can do is trust trust trust.....
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